I don't really know if I'm doing this whole blogging thing right! Funny thing is, my teen started me on it. Told me it was a way to vent. So I guess that is the path I'm going to start going in. I feel like my family does not need to hear about my CraZy house anymore then they already do. I know they don't think I'm strong because, the fact that I am living this CraZy life. The odd thing is, is that just a few things stick in my mind. Most are not from my family. My family just says I need to move out with the girls. That it is not fair to them to live in this turmoil. What's the problem you ask? well that I got married, I love this guy, He is very important to me. When do you choose to leave? If he was sick with a socially acceptable illness would I still be encouraged to leave? I struggle with this more that you think. I want to spend my life with the man I married, and if I didn't I wouldn't be here. I have been fighting this for over 12 years, Supported him in his drunken state, and then supported him even more when he decided to become sober. I saw that as the light, but there are so many more demons we are fighting. His Aunt (we'll call her "AS") is a large problem. She does not think that he every had a drinking problem, and that the only reason he has any problems at all is because he married me and had more children then the chosen one. Then in moved My 70 year old toddler. When she moved in the funny thing is that, I had told him I wanted to leave the marriage. He just could not put myself and his children first, over his Aunt. She always has and still talks very negative about me. And I don't think once he has put her in her place. Sooooo...... As I sit here and type I wonder why and I fighting so hard, when he can't say "Hey knock it off, she is my wife! If you can't be nice then I don't need to speak to you!" that is really my dream!!!!! BUT.... Ya that's not happening, she moved across the world from us, and is almost more present then ever. She has become friends with him ex-employees and is sending them to talk to the toddler... What the heck.... And everything that "AS" thinks and feels is projected on these people. I really can't figure out where all the hate comes from but it is strong!
What have I don't what fight for this man that I love so? I married this strong loving man, that would come home and bath the babies, read to them, sit in the living room and talk about our days. Then all of a sudden his has no sense of his importance, we would sell his sole for "AS" I can't figure it out. The saddest part is that we started seeing a counselor when this last episode started 6 months ago. She asked him if he wanted his marriage to work. He said he did, he even started to fight a bit for me. She told him that he could not be married to me, "AS", and the Toddler! He had to put me first. He started to.... and then we ran out of money. but before we were done I went and saw her on my own. I just really wanted her to tell me if she thought, he would every put me first? would he ever fight for his family he so desperately wanted? She never answered that question, she just said "you need to talk to your girls, you need to tell them that it is OKAY for them not to take of their Dad if something happens to you. You do not want them to care for him the way the Toddler is being cared for." so what is that saying...... I tried to read into it.... I just can't, So am I teaching my girls to be in the same relationship that I am in? I wouldn't say it is bad, I just wish I could have the man I married back. I need to have a partner.... But he doesn't fight for me. He just tries to make everyone happy! Well, you sure as hell can't do that. And why are we letting these 2 70 year old women run our life.
As J goes off to college, I don't like to let her go!!! Believe me I would love to have them all small in my arms, but she is strong and ready to start her life. I don't see why people want to stunt who they are, and not let your children fly.But that is what these women are doing to him.
I just wish I could crawl into my kids heads and see what they are feeling? I need to see the councilor more I know I do, I wouldn't hurt him either....
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