What ever comes into my head....

My house hold is 5 people including me. I care for my 2 teens and then there is my husband and his mother. Sadly both of the other adults in the house suffer from Mental illness. I have been married for 18 years. When I met my husband he was very out going and such a bright personality. I couldn't believe he was even interested in me. I was a single mother of a kindergartner, and he was a single father of a per-schooler. So together we already had the size family most stop at. Well, we have 3 amazing daughters together. Our to older children are grown and have started their own lives, and our oldest daughter together is in her first year of college.
We started out marriage out in the Seattle ares, but then with the loss of his job, we decided to move south. We now live in the California Desert!
When we got married I said that I took him better or worse, sick and health, rich or poor..... I have no problem with my vows! I love him, I have chosen to stick it out through a lot of years of sickness. I never thought the sickness I would be standing beside him through would be addiction, and mental illness. Little did I know when we were married that his mother and father bother suffered from extreme cases of Bi-Polar. I only met his father a few times, mostly around the time our youngest daughter was born. Her birth sent him on a manic episode that lasted for weeks. when he was medicated he stayed to himself. My mother-in-law was just always sick. I didn't know what was wrong with her. I just thought she was weird (which she is) and that she didn't like our kids (still debating that one).
So when we move to California, it really didn't affect her, she was married, and they decided to buy a RV and travel the states, hitting every casino possible! The made it to Pharump and small town in the mountain by Vegas. That is where my relationship with her started really. She would call my husband constantly telling him of all her illnesses. She would say she was having a stroke, then she would say they think she has cancer, and then it would be her heart, then something else, and so it would go for months, Mind you while with was happening he was fully in to his alcohol addiction.  So her call would just give him another "reason" to have another drink. He is an only child so he is the only one that had the pleasure of the calls. Things would move from illness, to being unsafe and needing to leave her husband. Now her husband was very weird, but he was never mean to her. He might let her over medicate herself a bit so he could spend a little more time at the card table. But he never would have hurt her. So off we would go. Take the 5 hour ride on my husbands only day off. The kids would come with us, at least we could spend some time together in the car. Normally she would spend 4 days or so with us. Just long enough to decide that she didn't like the family life. The life where you put someone besides yourself first and would call up good ol' Jay to take her home. Or bug us until we took the day and drove her back.
Then on morning my husband called her and told her he had an alcohol problem. He needed to get away from the Desert and work through it. Decide what he was going to do. It was either the bottle or his family. Thank goodness he chose his family.
4 more years of the back and forth and finally the last call came for the pick up Jay was sick, There would be no more running away back to Jay. He died about 2 weeks after coming here 4 years ago.
At the time she was not taking her meds right, plus she had decided to take some of Jays too. Her rule of thought is, "if one is good then 2 or 3 has got to be better". We spent a few CraZy months getting her off of stuff and getting on the right stuff.
All the doctors talked about how healthy and strong she is, the only problem is her mental stuff! We decided to take her on, she had no one else. I did not work so what else should I do but her her servant? She had her good days and her bad days... The roller coaster is not my favorite ride! But the girls and I were learning how to enjoy life on the constant change of it. When her meds were right, and she wanted to, she could be fine to be around. The problem is she hated me giving out her meds. she wanted to have all of it and do it herself. So finally my husband got sick of hearing about it and gave her the meds back. When that was the start of many trips to the ER because she would mess them up and end up getting sick.
I don't know why I am still caring for this CraZy person but I am, then 7 months ago my husband had a bit of a break down. A full out manic episode and he was diagnosed with bi-polar also. He has not been able to work while they try to figure out the cocktail of meds he needs to take. That is the way I became the care giver to these two sick people. The thing is.... Her son is home all the time so why and I still her servant?
Today started out with a Dr.. appointment, where all the way I got to talk about her sister (whom HATES me) and how she wants to help "L" and "B"...  They would love him to move away from me and the kids, and then they could have them all to themselves. I know GROSS, but really they would like his day to nothing but them. Then she spent most of her day in bed, but she was on her coaster... and boy was it taking those hills fast. She was mad when I went to bed, and then "V" come into our room "she is screaming for you".... Great she has fallen. I am trying to talk her into standing up. She is sitting on the floor keeping her feet and head of the ground, and then when I tell her to pull yourself up. to sit on her hands and feet so she could get up. after 20 minutes I got iritated and just grabbed her and forced her up.... Not the smartest thing I have done since I can already feel my back and armes. Go be thinking my might was up, I still needed to get her in bud get her the Go to Sleep meds. But don't you worry as she is screaming and she needs help and she cant get up, forgetting she is up, so goes t sit on her bed and slips off once again. I don't know if she thought we would call the med car to get her worked on. So here I am helping this woman that I didn't vow to take for, I in no way ever would have signed up for this. But I am here... Living the life of the CraZy house.

Who is the priority?

I don't really know if I'm doing this whole blogging thing right! Funny thing is, my teen started me on it. Told me it was a way to vent. So I guess that is the path I'm going to start going in. I feel like my family does not need to hear about my CraZy house anymore then they already do.  I know they don't think I'm strong because, the fact that I am living this CraZy life. The odd thing is, is that just a few things stick in my mind.  Most are not from my family. My family just says I need to move out with the girls. That it is not fair to them to live in this turmoil. What's the problem you ask? well that I got married, I love this guy, He is very important to me. When do you choose to leave? If he was sick with a socially acceptable illness would I still be encouraged to leave? I struggle with this more that you think. I want to spend my life with the man I married, and if I didn't I wouldn't be here. I have been fighting this for over 12 years, Supported him in his drunken state, and then supported him even more when he decided to become sober. I saw that as the light, but there are so many more demons we are fighting. His Aunt (we'll call her "AS") is a large problem. She does not think that he every had a drinking problem, and that the only reason he has any problems at all is because he married me and had more children then the chosen one. Then in moved My 70 year old toddler. When she moved in the funny thing is that, I had told him I wanted to leave the marriage. He just could not put myself and his children first, over his Aunt. She always has and still talks very negative about me. And I don't think once he has put her in her place. Sooooo...... As I sit here and type I wonder why and I fighting so hard, when he can't say "Hey knock it off, she is my wife! If you can't be nice then I don't need to speak to you!" that is really my dream!!!!! BUT.... Ya that's not happening, she moved across the world from us, and is almost more present then ever. She has become friends with him ex-employees and is sending them to talk to the toddler...  What the heck.... And everything that "AS" thinks and feels is projected on these people. I really can't figure out where all the hate comes from but it is strong!
What have I don't what fight for this man that I love so? I married this strong loving man, that would come home and bath the babies, read to them, sit in the living room and talk about our days. Then all of a sudden his has no sense of his importance, we would sell his sole for "AS" I can't figure it out. The saddest part is that we started seeing a counselor when this last episode started 6 months ago. She asked him if he wanted his marriage to work. He said he did, he even started to fight a bit for me. She told him that he could not be married to me, "AS", and the Toddler! He had to put me first. He started to.... and then we ran out of money. but before we were done I went and saw her on my own. I just really wanted her to tell me if she thought, he would every put me first? would he ever fight for his family he so desperately wanted? She never answered that question, she just said "you need to talk to your girls, you need to tell them that it is OKAY for them not to take of their Dad if something happens to you. You do not want them to care for him the way the Toddler is being cared for." so what is that saying......  I tried to read into it....  I just can't, So am I teaching my girls to be in the same relationship that I am in? I wouldn't say it is bad, I just wish I could have the man I married back. I need to have a partner.... But he doesn't fight for me. He just tries to make everyone happy! Well,  you sure as hell can't do that. And why are we letting these 2 70 year old women run our life.
As J goes off to college, I don't like to let her go!!! Believe me I would love to have them all small in my arms, but she is strong and ready to start her life. I don't see why people want to stunt who they are, and not let  your children fly.But that is what these women are doing to him.
I just wish I could crawl into my kids heads and see what they are feeling? I need to see the councilor more I know I do, I wouldn't hurt him either....

Just a quick diddy

It's been a bit since I have been on to blog. I need to do better, it makes me feel better.
I the time I have been away, things have gotten CrAzy!
Of course not much has changed with My 70 Year Old Toddle, because lets face it, she is mentally ill and that is not going to change. She is in a rehab at this moment, but they are sick of her yelling at them, so we got the call this morning that she will be discharged on Friday morning right after breakfast. One good part in this is the two little girls have gotten to start school without her added stress. She has been running pretty high for the last couple weeks, which makes me think that they are not giving her the meds as needed. But there is nothing I can do about that.
In February B had a little Mental break down....  He has been seeing the Doctor almost weekly and is on a lot of meds, but it just doesn't seem as if he is getting better. He sleeps so much and is just not engaged in the family at all. He is not even doing much with his Mom. So now I am caring for 2 mentally ill people at this point. He has not been working since February, so things have gotten pretty tight here, and of course The Toddler does not understand that she does run up some bills.
The girls and I did get out of here for 10 days, we had to go see J before she flies off to college, I know she is going to miss us! She is going do be amazing though. With her leaving to college it just drives home that I should try to go back to school. Everyone is older and I need to take care of business if need be.
I guess when I got married 18 years ago, I didn't know that I was marrying the Toddler also. I had no problem having N in our family, there was never a question to how important see was/is to our family. But the Toddle didn't even come around, I didn't even really know her before she moved in and I became her care giver. To be honest I didn't even know what mental illness was before that time. I mean lets not get dramatic.... I did know what it was, I just didn't understand so much about it. Something I can say that I wish I still didn't know this much about.
I feel as if I am just rambling at this point so I am going to sign off for now. Maybe collect my thoughts and give a little more when I get up at 4am stressing about the world.

Trying To Stay A~FLOAT

It's HOT....... I can't breath.......... That is what was said on the phone when B picked up his phone. That's what we heard at 5 AM from the other room. You ask why she called, well because she needs help getting up to go potty. BECAUSE IT IS HOT!!!!!!!!!
So off we go, to be violently awoken by the words vomiting from her. "I am going to die! why do you want me to die? why wont you help me? can't you see I can not move? I can't breath! look at me! see I can't breath!!!"
"Okay, Mom let me help you get to the bathroom," B being so calm, and trying to help when all he really wants to do is go back to sleep.
"Why did you not come help me when I called?"
"Mom, I just got out of bed and came in."
So off they go to the bathroom and back to bed, be take her temp and her blood sugar.... "What's wrong with me?"
"Maybe you just have yourself all worked up and need to take a tranquilizer. Have you taken your morning meds?"
"Yes, I have taken all my meds."
"Try to calm down, I will be back in, in a minute."
She starts screaming that the dogs have gone in her room so I go get them out and get her some tea. I do have to have a blood test. I leave her to "B" to watch over while I am gone. When I get back I have some of her meds that needed picked up so I go in to check on her. at this point she is very flesh and it scares me a bit. I ask her if she can walk to the car so we can go to the Doctor. She can't and at the point I decide that she needs the medics to come.
Living with a mentally ill person, is not what I signed up for when I got married the second time. Really it is odd, because my first husband was also mentally ill. I believe I have a lot of mental illness around me. What does that say for me? I could tell you what my siblings and parents think. That I let them control my every move. I try to to do right, for my husband, my children, and our families, but at time I really feel it is a loosing battle.
The other day I was on my favorite place "Pinterest" and I ran across a saying I think I will end with,
"Sometimes you don't realize you're actually drowning when your trying to be everyone else's anchor"

Vacation is UPON us

So the trip is upon us, and B has made it safely to his destination. Mind you not without our fair share of drama. Yes, my sweet sweet 70 year old Toddler did not disappoint.  She tried to pull out all the stops, and tried to get me going so that there would be a BIG blow-up, to either kill the good times, or to get a ride to the destination she really wants. I try to remind myself that she does have an illness, that not everything she does is on purpose. I also understand that a lot of what she does is for her purpose! In the last 2 days I have decided that she is just not happy and would like to make sure that everyone around her is as unhappy also.
Just as I started typing, she has decided that she is sick, can't move, to hot, going to fall over, can't feel her feet, and just all out needing to maybe go to the doctor. We will see if there is a trip to the ER in my future, but if so it is only so that B can have something to really worry about while he is to be on vacation .  I could go on and on with the illnesses that are around me, I just wish at some point she could be happy. Maybe see that if we didn't care about her we would not have her in our house. Heaven knows it comes with it's fair share of  problems for the girls.
We will make it through this week and in the end hope that B has a really good time, and that she is still up and going when he gets home.

And it's another day OFF?????

Never fails it is almost easier for "B" to work. Not that I don't want to see him and spend time with him, because I married  him so I could spend the rest of my life with him. I just didn't know when we said our vows that not only were we bringing 2 kids one from each of our previous marriages, a sweet toddler we have together, and one on the way. His mother was also part of the package I guess. I don't know why it really surprises me, I mean my parents are part of the package also. The difference is that my parents think of others, and want their children and grandchildren to be happy and do good. I didn't understand that his mother had froze at the toddler stage, never to get over anything.
Well, with that being said, the time for "B" to go visit "N" is getting closer, so the drama is intensifying. Now she does not want to see "N" she just wants to fly to Washington with "B" and then her friend will drive over 2 hours to come get her....  HUMMMM, not so quit missy this is not our first rodeo!!!!!! The ride will cancel and guess what "B" and "N" will be having to Nanasit all week. I should say more power to ya, I could use a break, but I would really like them to have a nice time go do things with the dog, meet the boyfriend.....  All kinds of wonderful things. So when we told her NO, just like any Toddler, the tantrum has followed. I will just say that the true toddler tantrums are much nicer, they just get mad and wine......  A 70 year old Toddler is much longer and meaner.....

OOOPS You mean I am not going to be your first priority?

"I can have that car take me to any medical appointments that you can't get me to:!" She says.....
"Great I have to take "V" to the orthodontist on the 8th at the same time you make your doctors appointment". "Okay" she says "I will call for a ride." GREAT!!!!!
A week later, "so on the 8th you need a ride to the Doctor, have you called for it yet?...."
"No I will call on the 3rd, I have it on my calendar."
On the 4th mid afternoon, "So you have your ride all set up to take you on Tuesday?"
: "I just need to confirm the appointment" 5 minutes later she walks out.... "So the car place could not find my appointment and then I called the Doctor and they said I didn't have an appointment, so they switched it to the 9th at 10:30 am. You can take me then right?"
"Well, no I can't I'm picking up my niece on the 9th so they can go to Coachella remember?, I can't really go to Doctor's appointments until Tuesday the next week."
We heard the story or something like it a few more times, ending with I moved my appointment to the 9th and I have the car confirmed to get me. This is the problem with her making her own appointments, but still feel I need to have it worked out to take her every where.
Tonight at dinner with "B" as to tattle on me "Now why can't you take me to the doctor on the 8th because you niece is coming into town or something?"
"It is because you made the appointment at the same time that I have to take "V" or the orthodontist. I can't take you on the 9th because you changed it to the same time I am picking up my niece."
"Well, that's fine I have the car scheduled to take me on the 9th, and my appointment has been changed. You know the doctors office and the car place screwed everything up."
"Okay, as long as you have it worked out, and you need to have a car take to the other appointments that are the next week to remember. I am not driving to far away appointments."
2 hours later here she comes into the kitchen :"now when can you not take me to the doctor?"
"pretty much from the 8th - the 14th, we are going to have company"
"you mean to tell me that you are just not going to take me anywhere, not to the drug store for my pills or anything, what am I suppose to do just stay in my room for a week!" if only I could get the tone of voice this was said in, but let me tell you it was the start to the roller coaster dipping far down.
"I can take you some places but I am not going to fill the whole time running you all over to doctors!"
"WELL, what do you expect me to do move out, what do you need my room, so you are going to just not help me so I move out while they are here. I paid my rent! You just are going to refuse to help me! That is not right, you can't do that to me!"
"Listen I am not going there right now, you need to calm down, it is late and you didn't have a good day, so you are not going to take it out on me."
Off she goes mumbling about how she is old and sick and needs help, and if I am not going to help her......
The problem is that someone is coming to visit besides her precious "N". How dare my family come see us..... 
Oh well.....  Tomorrow is a new day, and there has always to be a problem!