Trying To Stay A~FLOAT

It's HOT....... I can't breath.......... That is what was said on the phone when B picked up his phone. That's what we heard at 5 AM from the other room. You ask why she called, well because she needs help getting up to go potty. BECAUSE IT IS HOT!!!!!!!!!
So off we go, to be violently awoken by the words vomiting from her. "I am going to die! why do you want me to die? why wont you help me? can't you see I can not move? I can't breath! look at me! see I can't breath!!!"
"Okay, Mom let me help you get to the bathroom," B being so calm, and trying to help when all he really wants to do is go back to sleep.
"Why did you not come help me when I called?"
"Mom, I just got out of bed and came in."
So off they go to the bathroom and back to bed, be take her temp and her blood sugar.... "What's wrong with me?"
"Maybe you just have yourself all worked up and need to take a tranquilizer. Have you taken your morning meds?"
"Yes, I have taken all my meds."
"Try to calm down, I will be back in, in a minute."
She starts screaming that the dogs have gone in her room so I go get them out and get her some tea. I do have to have a blood test. I leave her to "B" to watch over while I am gone. When I get back I have some of her meds that needed picked up so I go in to check on her. at this point she is very flesh and it scares me a bit. I ask her if she can walk to the car so we can go to the Doctor. She can't and at the point I decide that she needs the medics to come.
Living with a mentally ill person, is not what I signed up for when I got married the second time. Really it is odd, because my first husband was also mentally ill. I believe I have a lot of mental illness around me. What does that say for me? I could tell you what my siblings and parents think. That I let them control my every move. I try to to do right, for my husband, my children, and our families, but at time I really feel it is a loosing battle.
The other day I was on my favorite place "Pinterest" and I ran across a saying I think I will end with,
"Sometimes you don't realize you're actually drowning when your trying to be everyone else's anchor"

Vacation is UPON us

So the trip is upon us, and B has made it safely to his destination. Mind you not without our fair share of drama. Yes, my sweet sweet 70 year old Toddler did not disappoint.  She tried to pull out all the stops, and tried to get me going so that there would be a BIG blow-up, to either kill the good times, or to get a ride to the destination she really wants. I try to remind myself that she does have an illness, that not everything she does is on purpose. I also understand that a lot of what she does is for her purpose! In the last 2 days I have decided that she is just not happy and would like to make sure that everyone around her is as unhappy also.
Just as I started typing, she has decided that she is sick, can't move, to hot, going to fall over, can't feel her feet, and just all out needing to maybe go to the doctor. We will see if there is a trip to the ER in my future, but if so it is only so that B can have something to really worry about while he is to be on vacation .  I could go on and on with the illnesses that are around me, I just wish at some point she could be happy. Maybe see that if we didn't care about her we would not have her in our house. Heaven knows it comes with it's fair share of  problems for the girls.
We will make it through this week and in the end hope that B has a really good time, and that she is still up and going when he gets home.

And it's another day OFF?????

Never fails it is almost easier for "B" to work. Not that I don't want to see him and spend time with him, because I married  him so I could spend the rest of my life with him. I just didn't know when we said our vows that not only were we bringing 2 kids one from each of our previous marriages, a sweet toddler we have together, and one on the way. His mother was also part of the package I guess. I don't know why it really surprises me, I mean my parents are part of the package also. The difference is that my parents think of others, and want their children and grandchildren to be happy and do good. I didn't understand that his mother had froze at the toddler stage, never to get over anything.
Well, with that being said, the time for "B" to go visit "N" is getting closer, so the drama is intensifying. Now she does not want to see "N" she just wants to fly to Washington with "B" and then her friend will drive over 2 hours to come get her....  HUMMMM, not so quit missy this is not our first rodeo!!!!!! The ride will cancel and guess what "B" and "N" will be having to Nanasit all week. I should say more power to ya, I could use a break, but I would really like them to have a nice time go do things with the dog, meet the boyfriend.....  All kinds of wonderful things. So when we told her NO, just like any Toddler, the tantrum has followed. I will just say that the true toddler tantrums are much nicer, they just get mad and wine......  A 70 year old Toddler is much longer and meaner.....

OOOPS You mean I am not going to be your first priority?

"I can have that car take me to any medical appointments that you can't get me to:!" She says.....
"Great I have to take "V" to the orthodontist on the 8th at the same time you make your doctors appointment". "Okay" she says "I will call for a ride." GREAT!!!!!
A week later, "so on the 8th you need a ride to the Doctor, have you called for it yet?...."
"No I will call on the 3rd, I have it on my calendar."
On the 4th mid afternoon, "So you have your ride all set up to take you on Tuesday?"
: "I just need to confirm the appointment" 5 minutes later she walks out.... "So the car place could not find my appointment and then I called the Doctor and they said I didn't have an appointment, so they switched it to the 9th at 10:30 am. You can take me then right?"
"Well, no I can't I'm picking up my niece on the 9th so they can go to Coachella remember?, I can't really go to Doctor's appointments until Tuesday the next week."
We heard the story or something like it a few more times, ending with I moved my appointment to the 9th and I have the car confirmed to get me. This is the problem with her making her own appointments, but still feel I need to have it worked out to take her every where.
Tonight at dinner with "B" as to tattle on me "Now why can't you take me to the doctor on the 8th because you niece is coming into town or something?"
"It is because you made the appointment at the same time that I have to take "V" or the orthodontist. I can't take you on the 9th because you changed it to the same time I am picking up my niece."
"Well, that's fine I have the car scheduled to take me on the 9th, and my appointment has been changed. You know the doctors office and the car place screwed everything up."
"Okay, as long as you have it worked out, and you need to have a car take to the other appointments that are the next week to remember. I am not driving to far away appointments."
2 hours later here she comes into the kitchen :"now when can you not take me to the doctor?"
"pretty much from the 8th - the 14th, we are going to have company"
"you mean to tell me that you are just not going to take me anywhere, not to the drug store for my pills or anything, what am I suppose to do just stay in my room for a week!" if only I could get the tone of voice this was said in, but let me tell you it was the start to the roller coaster dipping far down.
"I can take you some places but I am not going to fill the whole time running you all over to doctors!"
"WELL, what do you expect me to do move out, what do you need my room, so you are going to just not help me so I move out while they are here. I paid my rent! You just are going to refuse to help me! That is not right, you can't do that to me!"
"Listen I am not going there right now, you need to calm down, it is late and you didn't have a good day, so you are not going to take it out on me."
Off she goes mumbling about how she is old and sick and needs help, and if I am not going to help her......
The problem is that someone is coming to visit besides her precious "N". How dare my family come see us..... 
Oh well.....  Tomorrow is a new day, and there has always to be a problem!

It's BURNING my feet.............

This week is spring break the girls are out of school, so they are getting time spent on them, which only means the TODDLER is not getting all the time spent on her.  But we all know that the best thing is the need to feel sorry for herself. So she has decided to sit in her room ALL DAY. Only to come out every few hours to tell her dog how no one will talk to her, and how depressed she is that all she can do is stay in her room. BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!!! Well, I have been ignoring it all week, she stays in her room until "B" comes home form work and then she is all chipper, and ready to eat the meal I cooked, and watch the new with just him. That is not a time that I am welcome in the room. Which is fine in her eyes, because I should be cleaning up the mess from dinner anyway. (which I am). Then around 10PM it is a big seen to watch her kiss her Dog and go to bed, because I have come in to the room. Well, I guess she wasn't getting enough attention. Today she made her first cup of coffee, and proceeded to dump it out because it tasted funny. Then she made another, only to get in her room and spill it all over the bed floor and walls........... It does really blow my mind how so many responses are of a TODDLERS mind!!!!!! instead of cleaning off her feet and ask for help, she stands in the coffee and starts yelling and crying. The YELLING and CRYING like when a Toddler drops the sucker in the dirt! I walk in her room, and see she is just standing in the HOT coffee, and crying that her feet are HOT and BURNING!!!!!! Really the coffee is not even hot to your touch after all the sugar and cream she puts in it..... OKAY, of it IRRITATES me, I don't really know what gets me worse, that her room is disgusting and now I get to clean it, or that she is not moving from the coffee that she says is burning her.....
I do wish I could just go through my days, leave what she says and does with her, and not let them spend time in my head! I just seem to take it all to personal! I don't like the way she treats her son, and our girls! I don't like how I am to be on call to help her 24/7 but never get anything out of it, I would love to work, but I know I can't because she need constant care. I don't like that I can not have MY family at our house without it being a big deal!!!!!!! Really I don't like that everything is ABOUT HER!!!!!!!!!!!

The NEED for me!!

It's has been a bit since I have written, I guess the need for quiet is more important, than listening to the screams in my head. My Toddler is not going to change, I do understand that, she is NEVER going to want to be in our house, NEVER want to get to know her younger 3 AMAZING Grand~daughter, and she is NEVER going to want to be nice to me. With that understanding, I just tried to do what needed to be done and stay away from her when ever possible, not go into Doctor's visits (let them try and figure out how to help her),  NOT interact in conversations with her, NOT ask how she is doing, feeling, needing.......
Try to just keep everything as level as possible!!!
Last week it was "B's" Birthday. That being said it is VERY HARD to do, I tried to figure out a GREAT gift for my husband.  I worked on in for weeks, planning for him to go see "N". It is for "N's" Birthday also, they haven't seen each other of over 2 years and it is time.  The PROBLEM you ask, well "N" is the ONE and ONLY in the TODDLERS eyes, and she feels she should get to go! The WHOLE Birthday back fires and here we go, my nice gesture of doing a loving thing for my Husband, turns into a HUGE guilt trip that we are leaving the TODDLER out. OMG !!! REALLY, he should be`able to have 3 days to spend with his daughter!!!!!!!!!!! Besides the fact the neither "N" OR "B" would be~able to care for the TODDLER!!!!! and the ROLLER COASTER is headed down.........

The Need for Attention

Things have been quite calm.  As long as the kids are at school, and I must say it has only been 2 weeks! I got a little job this weekend to help pay some bills, you know another mouth to feed.  Weird how when I am home, she stays in her room a lot of the day.  But when I am gone, she sit out in the kitchen to make sure she sees everything the girls are doing.  That is not much because they are afraid to come into the light with her, never knowing what the will find. So the next day when I worked B stayed home so she would have someone to be with.  Really it was more for the girls, so they could move around and be teens.  Well, she stayed in her room until I returned home.  I would think she would want to hang out with her only child but I guess he was not offering to take her to the casino. All of a sudden the loudest crash I have heard since, V pulled the dresser over on herself with the tv on top. Well, can you believe it when I ran in the room. There was my "Toddler" laying on her back on the floor with the dresser on top of her.  I hope she was not crawling up to find the jelly beans like V did! B comes running in and gets the dresser off her, we tried to call the aid car, but she was fine.  Boy were we going to pay for that one for a long while.  You can name a body part and it hurts, she needs help, "I hope that you will find it in your heart to make me breakfast and lunch tomorrow!" Of coarse, and I decide it is time for me to go to bed.
The next morning, she does not come out of her room, she does not take her meds on time, and there is all hell to pay at dinner. The girls have only joined us a handful of times at the table, and tonight was no different.  She would like to know why no one cares how she is feeling.  Her family is a caring family that care about and asks about each other.  Wow, the "toddler" knows that there are others in this world? I can't believe it, but it is all about her not getting enough attention when falling.

"My 70 year old toddler's mouth is running a muck!"

And the Coaster has started at full speed!!!WOW didn't see that drop coming!!!!! "My 70 year old toddler's mouth is running a muck!"
( I just knew that the car would be an issue since she was coming back! Background on the PT Cruiser, it was her car, she gave it to B many time and took it back many times,  finally the last time she gave it, the title was changed.  The next time she wanted it back and we wouldn't change the title, so she throw away the only key.)
"Can I ask you a question with you starting a fight?" well that question straight out makes my hair stand on end......... "what'ch need?"
"I would like to know why the PT Cruiser has been moved when B told me that the keys had been lost."  (Translation...... I would like to know why J is driving the PT Cruiser?..... J is our 17 year old, my "toddler" has always had a problem with the thought of her driving the car.  If it was out 22 year old that does not make the best choices then it would not be a problem because as you know from my first blog that she is the chosen one! at one point B was going to drive the Cruiser and J would drive the sports car. Just to keep the Drama down.)
"The key was lost as you are aware, a few months ago we had a new key made. Is there a problem?"
"YES! I DON"T LIKE TO BE LIED TOO!!!!"
No one has lied to her. Why is it only when B is at work? I try so hard to stay calm and I just can't I just can't hear her talk and talk to bitch, and not reply.........
"No one has lied to you! The key was lost! We paid the $300 to get a new one, and the car is being used. (My statement I should have bit my tong on) And why should you care?"
"Because I was lied to, B said the reason he was not driving his car to work was because the PT Cruiser was behind his"?
"No the reason he does not drive his car is because the Garage door is broke and he can't get his car out!"
The communication breaks down fast....... I just want her to stop talking........ But she can't she has to have the last word (is that bi-polar? or just her?) Don't know.  So I end it by saying I don't want a big fight on my hands and walk away.  She keeps making the sounds that should be words but I just can't listen. 
It has been a week of her in bed, and as any "toddler" there is to much built up energy and the way she lets it out is by running her mouth.....  That's when I know without a shadow of a doubt that I like 2 and 3 year old toddlers! 

Roller coaster on an even slope down.... almost a week in

It's Friday!!!!!!! Yeah, Don't have to get the teens up and going tomorrow, but my "toddler" is never changing.  The week has been crazy, the girls are adjusting well I guess. They do great in school when she is here, they all hide out in their rooms.  Haven't had to many run in with her yet.  She has mostly been sleeping, and complaining, about not being able to more.  While watching the "Taste" last night she wanted to know what a personal chef is. B replies that it is a person that comes in and cooks for the family or an event. She replies "WOW, I wish I had one of those!" I say "That's funny isn't that what I am?" The funnies part of her being here is her little comments.  Some, that if don't have to live with her or care for her probably are hard to understand! It's the little things, like saying I sit on my butt all day watching Soaps! Or she ate the last piece of bread, and not just saying can you put bread on the shopping list, she says "maybe you could find in your heart to buy some bread". Then the next day she says she needs to go to the store and could I remind her to buy bread for her lunch.  Mind you this is as she is watching me make bread.  The same thing I've done for sometime now.  She lived here for over 18 months the last time, and I have a very strict food routine.  There are 5 now 6 of us in the house, I shop every other Saturday (PAY DAY BABY) and stay under 3 hundred dollars! For a "toddle" that is a hard thing to understand, and for my "70 year old toddler" that has never lived within a routine it is VERY hard. I have 1 diabetic (now), 1 vegetarian, 1 carnivore, and 3 that just would like to east good food!
When she wants to comment on something she doesn't like, she pulls in the girls. "I am aware that you two hid out in your room for awhile (maybe 5 minutes), are the girls having problems?" Sadly she would love the girls to have problems. It would show that our commitment to keep me at home to raise the kids with our morals and do our best to have amazing adults, would be for nothing. But really she just wanted us to know that she sees every thing we do. Next week it will be that we are hiding talking about her..... And so it starts!
This week is mostly getting use to life with a "sick" person, trying to be positive for my family, and hoping she would act like a normal person. I have never been around people that are "sick". I come from a family of go-getters, workers, positive, happy people.  It does make me wonder what my husband would be like if he was not raised by 2 mentally ill women.

The Beginning of The Roller Coaster once again.

Background story....... I am the Mother of 5 amazing children, 4 I birthed and 1 came with my husband.  We have been married for 17 years.  My husband, a only child with only his Mother and Aunt living! In those two lies a lot of life's challenges.  Not saying that 3 teenage girls is a challenge, but they are challenges that I "signed" up for.  I'm sure some of my day is spent figuring out how to raise them into WONDERFUL adults, but the other part is my "70 year old toddler" that has spent the last 5 years moving into and out of our loving home.  Would it be different if she was my mother instead of my husbands? Well, YES to a point!!!!!! At least my mother I know without a question loves me.  My "Toddler" on the other hand has done nothing but tell me of her dislikes for me.  I have done nothing but love her son, and take great care of her granddaughters! Funny think is his CRAZY AUNT (who has not spoken to me in over 2 years) agrees with her.  See I married a man with a ex-wife, a 5 year old daughter, an Aunt (that is in love with him), and a Mother (that really wanted a girl, I guess she blames him for being a boy)!!! I should say none of these women want ANYONE else in his life (not even each other, but not a wife and 3 girls)!!!!!!! My "toddler" has moved in and out of the house many time, and never leaves on good terms, always has to stab you a couple of times really good as she goes!
The here and NOW.......My "70 year old toddler" called once again to be saved!!!  From herself , her mental illness "B, please please please come get me I don't think I can move I need help!! I have someone to take my dog if I die tonight, I can't move my arm I can't walk, can you please discuss it and come help your dear old mom" (a week prior it was NOT this way!, she would never forgive him, wanted to never speak to him again). When I hear the message I hear it differently "The savings if getting low and she needs someone to cook and clean for her, take care of her dog, and drive her where ever she wants to go when ever she want to.  Here we go AGAIN......... "Do you mind if mom moves back in? I knew at some point she would need our help?" what am I to say???? So I say, "Do you think she is going to be nice? She understands that the girls come first? Why does she want to move in someplace that she hates?" No need to answer that one........... Because she needs a maid, a cook, and a driver!!!!!
It is left to me to tell our amazing girls (who she loves as much as me) we are taking in the "toddler" once again.  That she needs our help, she is Dad's Mom. Wasn't the worst responses but let's face it we are all sick of the ROLLER COASTER.....
 Sunday we make the 4 hour drive to Vegas, packed her boxes in the car, grabbed In-N-Out on our way out of town and were back in the Desert by 5pm. The ride started nice, like "It's a Small World" thank you for saving me, I don't know what I would have done! then slowly started on the kiddie roller coaster.. I hope that you all will be nice to me! Then it off to "Space Mountain" you know it is going to go down but no drops! I hope that you will let me spend my last days with my dog, I hope the girls do not HATE me forever! I guess a slow start is better that falling off the cliff without warning........ but I really don't like roller coasters! I can start to feel the water around me from "Splash Mountain"  I want to be in charge of my own meds (bi-polar, diabetic, high blood pressure, the list goes on and on), I want my dog to stay in the room with me, I want house keys, I don't want a schedule, and I will make my own food (unless I am to sick to do so, and then I want to be waited on hand and foot) OH and I forgot, I want to have my TV on all night, so I can hear it..... You see  calling her my "70 year old toddler" is for good reason......  Toddlers have not figured out that there are other people in their world.....
We make it home,  I hope we can start over (how many times can you start over?) But once again all the girls in the house smile that OH SO fake one and say sure (thinking yep until you only want to talk about the past).
So our week starts, my sweet husband that has been raised by two bi-polar women, thinks the best way to handle all of this is just for everyone to get along.  If I hear it one more time I am going to SCREAM!!!!!!! I try very hard to get along, but I will not allow anyone to talk bad about the people I love! So I guess I go into the 5th no 6th, no maybe 7th heck I have lost count of how many times we have started over with the "if she could just get along"
My "toddle" has been in her room all but a couple of hours in the last two days.  I really think she is waiting for me to "help" her more, I know that her meds are a mess and her diet it anything but healthy.  If she was in reality a toddler I would haul her ass out of bed and make her eat and take her meds.  Maybe even if she was my mom I could do that.  But she is not, and I am letting a sleeping dog (toddler) lie......